


The Melancholy Thoughts of a Bassist

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letting go is harder than anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Melancholy Thoughts of a Bassist

**Author's Note:**

> Back to posting old fics to AO3 because LJ seems to be starting to investigate gay content. :/ We'll see if it's true. Better safe than sorry.

_It's so hard_  
To believe  
I don't have you right beside me  
As I long to touch you  
But you're out of my reach  
And my heart doesn't feel  
It's so very cold inside of me  
Just a shadow of someone that I used to be 

_You were the only one (only one)_  
That I allowed inside my heart  
Now I'm just holding on  
To something so far gone  
Where did I go wrong 

 

Just To Hold You Once Again by Mariah Carey

 

He is lonely. At least he's admitted that much to himself. He goes to see friends' kids, listens to cheesy songs, watches stupid old movies with stupid old plots that are more real than the ones they now call romantic comedies. He's pining over someone, and he doesn't even know why. He's not even sure who. He just feels lonely and left behind. Like he doesn't matter. 

He's staring at the truth in the eye right now with half a bottle of Jack cradled against his chest, Kurt playing on his stereo, his head spinning and his body sprawling on the sofa. He feels like shit, like whining on Twitter, like calling Mia. He's a little whiny bitch with nothing else to do but feel sorry for himself. 

There are times when he thinks he's absolutely crazy, full of so many issues and so much stupidity that he shouldn't be allowed to talk to the rest of the world. Luckily the world mostly ignores his bursts of self-doubt and fear. 

But right now, he's certain there's not a sorrier ass in the whole damn world. 

He's the only one of their little group who's not seeing someone. 

It's possible he's just too difficult. Or annoying. Or quiet. Or shy. It might be that he's just not interesting enough. Maybe he'll never find someone who can take him, who wants him, who needs him. 

He shudders because he remembers all the girls who circled him after their last gig. Everyone wants something from him, but nobody wants him. 

And the honest fucking truth is Adam is more important to him than he is to Adam.

It's hard to accept that. It's hard to let go. It's hard to see that there is a place next to Adam, and he can't be there anymore. He can't hold onto Adam like that anymore. He can't be that person anymore. Even though he never was nothing much, just someone who needed closeness, guidance, loving, needed that extra attention and energy, that something only Adam can give to people around him. 

Tommy is pathetic because he misses something that was never there. 

How can you miss something that never existed? How can you need something you never had? It's insane and all kinds of stupid and so fucking frustrating. There's nothing he can do to feel whole. He only feels lonely. 

He stares at the wall, trying not to think when his phone rings, making him jump. He digs it out of his pocket, sees Adam's face and name on the screen, and curses. He knows Adam will be able to pry this out of him, like everything always. There are no secrets between them. 

"Yo," he says to the phone, taking a swig from the bottle. 

"I'm calling for no reason," Adam says quietly, laughing. 

Tommy grins. "I'm glad."

"I just wanted to hear you talk."

Who says that? Nobody. Not even closest friends. Nobody else says things like that to him except Adam fucking Lambert. "Okay."

"So talk. Anything. I'll listen."

Really? For real? "You miss me?"

"I always miss you."

Perfect. "I'm pining over Susie. And I think I miss tour life. I miss your freaking pocket."

"Awww... You miss me too."

Exactly like Adam to ignore the real issue here. "I'm depressed. And lonely. Do something about it."

Adam laughs again. "What do you want me to do about it?"

 _Come over. Hold my hand. Be a gentleman and take care of me._ He bites his lip so he won't say all those stupid things. "Tell me I'm not pathetic. Tell me someone will love me one day. Tell me I'm worth all this and more."

He can hear Adam breathe, but he says nothing for a long while. When Adam speaks his voice is soft, gentle like silk. "You're loved. You'll find someone who'll deserve you. I love you."

Tommy lets his head rest against the back of the sofa. "I miss what we had." He's not sure if Adam will understand, but he doesn't care. What they had was nothing close to a relationship, just intimacy and quiet trust, something only they understood. 

"We still have it," Adam says even though they both know it's not true. To have that kind of closeness requires some kind of desperation on both parts. Adam is not desperate anymore, just happy and in love, and way too busy to give what Tommy needs.

"Parts of it," Tommy says because he doesn't want to tell Adam what they already know. "We're friends." That at least is true. Adam is one of his closest friends, one of those people he can say anything to, even the not so nice things. 

"You're making me depressed, too." Adam doesn't sound too serious, but Tommy knows it's true. 

He touches his forehead with the bottle of Jack, wishing that he knew the right words. "I'm selfish," he says, closing his eyes. "I just want to keep you to myself even though I can't give you anything." What he loves and hates about Adam? He can never hold his tongue with him. Adam always knows everything, every little detail, every little shade, every little piece of his existence. Adam doesn't have to be a mind reader. He only has to be there to listen and you will tell him everything. At least it's that way with Tommy. 

"Well, I'm selfish, too. I want to keep you _and_ him. I want to have everything. And I know I have to let you live your own life."

Tommy lets out a soft, sad sound that only vaguely resembles a laugh. "I'm glad you want to stop me from living my life. How pathetic is that?"

"I want you to find a Lily or Grace or Jean who makes you babies and keeps you up at night."

"Fuck you," he says with a soft tone. 

He can feel Adam's smile in his words. "Yeah... I miss you."

Tommy curls into ball on the sofa, hugging himself. "When did it become difficult?"

"Life?"

Tommy nods, not caring that Adam can't actually see it. 

"When we decided to tempt fate?"

Something like that. "I don't even know what we're talking about. Do you?"

Adam sighs. "More than friends, less than lovers?"

"Yeah."

"I will carry you with me always anyway." Adam's voice is so quiet Tommy has to strain his ears to hear it. 

Stupid conversation that's not making him feel any better. "This would be easier if I had someone too." He knows it's a selfish thing to say, and only causes guilt in Adam. That's not what he wants. "But I wouldn't change anything. I'm glad you found him. I'm glad you have this. I'm glad we had what we had. I'm glad. I'm... I am. Honestly."

"I know."

"Then why the fuck does it hurt? It shouldn't hurt. There's no reason for it to hurt. I'm... This is not what I signed up for."

"You won't lose me," Adam says like that's any kind of answer, but it still makes him feel better, makes him breathe a sigh of relief. "I'll be here. I remember you. I love you."

Sometimes he truly wishes theirs wasn't such an open friendship. They talk about everything. It's annoying, and it hurts. "Just... Let me know that from time to time." And it's such an honest request he almost doubles over saying it. He has to force the words out.

Adam exhales, long and loud. "Anything."

Fuck that. Anything is never on the menu. Never was and never will be. "Yeah. Okay."

"I got to go. Take care. You'll be here on Friday, won't you?"

He wouldn't miss the party for anything. "Of course I'll be there," he says because he knows Adam needs that as much as he needs these things from Adam. And maybe he was wrong before. Maybe he is as important to Adam as Adam is to him. Maybe there's no imbalance here. 

Before Adam can end the call he asks quickly, "Are we equal in this?"

Adam laughs, real joy in his voice now. "Yeah, Tommy, we are."

That makes it better. "Good."

And that's that. They are always close to shattering a little because when they met the world shifted and something changed. What they have and who they are matters. It matters so much it hurts, but it's the good kind of hurt, the kind that makes you grow and see things in a different light. And it's fucking humbling to see what life has to offer and you still can't take it, no matter how good it feels and how real it makes you. 

Tommy puts the bottle on the table, takes off his t-shirt, and walks to the bathroom. He'll take a shower, and then face the day as a stronger person, like always after talking to Adam. This is their life, their dreams, entwined. And they'll make the most of it.


End file.
